Losing my baby – Triza's story
Approximately 15 million babies are born too soon each year, of which, it is estimated that 1 million will not survive their first 28 days of life. Hearing statistics like these, we often forget that each of these babies had their own names, families and stories.
In honour of World Prematurity Day (17 November) Triza Mukui shares the story of losing her baby Sophia when the hospital ran out of oxygen cylinders. Triza hopes that through sharing her experience with child loss, she can support other mothers like herself and inspire further investment in oxygen for health facilities in East Africa, so that every premature child can have access to lifesaving medical oxygen.
Triza Mukui
“An angel wrote in the book of life my baby’s date of birth, then she closed the book…too beautiful for earth.”
– Patricia Larson
Triza lives in the Kibera Slum in Nairobi, due to the nature of her disability, it was required that she had a C-section when delivering her baby Sophia.
My name is Triza Mukui. I live in Kibera Slum in Nairobi. I live with my mom Evangeline Wanjiku and my sister Caroline Wairimu and her two daughters – Merghan and Abigail.
Many years ago, I used to wish I had a child of my own. I wanted to have a baby girl so that I can pamper her, treat her like a queen, make her hair, buy her new clothes and take her to church. I prayed for God to grant my wish and it was finally granted in 2018, but only for two days.
2017 and 2018 were my best years. I conceived in September 2017 and the day I discovered I was pregnant I was super happy because this was the one wish I had been waiting for. My mum was the first person I shared the news with and she was so happy about it because she always told me she wanted me to give her a grandchild. My first trimester wasn’t easy but I managed. I had morning sickness and cravings (I used to take cold milk with bread). The entire journey was good and I thank God that I attended antenatal care and took all my supplements on time.
On 8th May 2018 at around 7:30pm my water broke. We requested for a taxi though it took a long time before it arrived because most drivers hesitate to pick clients from slum areas as they fear for their security. While we were at the hospital waiting for admission, we could see mothers struggling to get the services they needed. On admission I was put on a drip. Due to the nature of my disability, it was required that I have a C-section, as I couldn’t manage to give birth the normal way. I gave birth to a bouncing baby girl at 11:30pm and I thanked God for granting me my wish.
What followed next was a series of terrible events. My beautiful baby girl had inhaled amniotic fluid which caused breathing complications. She was then taken to the nursery and prescribed oxygen and I was taken to the ward. I visited her frequently to check on her progress. There was not enough oxygen cylinders to cater for every child in that facility and by the time we sourced an oxygen cylinder, my baby was exhausted. On her second day of life, my beautiful girl breathed her last breath. When the doctor came to inform me I broke down, I was screaming and crying. I remember shouting and telling God he should have taken me instead of her, then I was discharged from the hospital on the 3rd day.
What followed was the worst period of my life, filled with intense sorrow and grief. I lacked the meaning of life, I went through all kinds of difficult and unexpected emotions like shock, anger, disbelief, guilt, sadness, anxiety, emptiness, fatigue, depression and thoughts of suicide. Loosing someone you love can be one of the most painful experiences you will ever have to endure. I couldn’t sleep at night always thinking about her and remembering the events that took place the night she passed away. I used to listen to two songs the whole night, one by Don Moen, I WILL SING, another by the Ambassadors of Christ, KWA NINI UMEYARUHUSU ('why have you allowed this’). It was even worse because the baby’s dad was not there to support me during the entire period of pregnancy and after her birth. I also had C-section wounds which were so painful, it was really tough. After what I went through, I never thought one day I would have the strength to share my story to encourage others.
Photography by Monika Balciuniene
How did I overcome all this?
First, I thank God for the comfort and strength he gave me. I couldn’t have made it without Him - He wiped away all my tears. Secondly, I can’t thank my dear mum and sister enough for always being there for me during and after giving birth, they offered me support, encouragement, they were patient with me and showered me with unconditional love. My friends accorded me with prayers and support. I also joined support groups where I learnt that I was not alone and discovered ways of overcoming grief, though in real life grief never ends. I still hold my angel in my heart. Even though we were separated nothing will change the fact that you made me a Mommy. Continue resting in peace angel Sophia, Mommy loves you so much.
“There is no foot too small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world, a baby leaves an impression, every life matters to someone.”
Written by Triza Mukui and Caroline Wairimu, Nairobi, Kenya
